


Have A Nice Day

by RussellEppLeppel



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, Gallows Humor, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 09:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RussellEppLeppel/pseuds/RussellEppLeppel
Summary: The world stands on the brink of nuclear Armageddon, the doomsday clock is thirty seconds from midnight, and proliferation is the word on everyone's mind. Johnny and Willie don't let any of this bring them down though. They're at rock bottom already. With nothing left to lose and nothing they can do to stop it, they plan to carry on with their usual antics: drinking, gambling, fighting, and living every day under the assumption it will be their last.





	1. Monday

Willie Smallwood returned to his flat following his afternoon errands and found his flatmate, Johnny Bastard, sitting on the sofa and staring dead ahead.  
“Hello Johnny.” Willie said warmly.  
“Hello twat.” Johnny replied.  
“What are you doing?” Willie asked.  
“Watching the telly.” Johnny answered. Willie looked at the set then back at Johnny.  
“It’s not turned on.” Willie observed.  
“I know.” Johnny said.  
“It’s not even plugged in.” Willie said, walking around to the cable lying lifeless on the carpet.  
“I know.” Johnny said.  
“And it’s the fridge.” Willie pointed out.  
“I know.” Johnny said.  
“Then why in Christ’s name are you staring at the unplugged refrigerator!?” Willie shouted.  
“It’s unplugged because it ran off this morning and I’m watching it so it doesn’t plug itself in and give it another go!” Johnny shouted back.  
“What on Earth are you talking about?”  
“Look, when you popped off to the chemist, I got a phone call asking if the refrigerator was running. When I said yes, they told me I had better go and catch it.”  
“Oh poor simple Johnny. They were playing a prank on you. A practical joke.” Willie explained condescendingly.   
“My arse! The crafty bugger was halfway to the door by the time I’d hung up.” Johnny scoffed.  
“The fridge?” Willie asked, confused.  
“No, the hot tub.” Johnny said sarcastically. “Of course the fridge!”  
“Are you high?” Willie asked.  
“Quite probably. I found a baggie of mushrooms in the back of my writing desk and washed down half a dozen with what was left of a fifth of absinthe.” Johnny answered. “Why’s your face melting?”  
“Alright, I think you’ve had enough entertainment for today, mister.” Willie said. “Let’s get you off to bed.”  
“No wait, On the Margin has just come on!” Johnny said, turning back to the fridge. He got up and began turning a dial on the side. “Why is there no sound?”  
“Because that’s not the volume knob; it’s the temperature control.” Willie said.  
“Temperature control?” Johnny asked quizzically.  
“Your hand’s in the sodding refrigerator!”  
“Oh good.” Johnny said happily. “That should slow the burning because I’ve just noticed I’m on fire.”  
“You’re not on fire, you stupid git. You’re just so high Air Defence launched a surface-to-air missile.” Willie chuckled to himself. “Surface-to-air missile. Oh, I kill myself.”  
“Ooh! Can I help!?” Johnny said with excitement as he rose to his feet and produced a large machete from inside the fridge. He hoisted it overhead to swing at his flatmate.  
“What the bloody Hell is that!?” Willie screamed.  
“Why, it’s a machete.” Johnny said flatly.  
“I can see that! What was it doing in the sodding fridge!?” Willie screamed, all the while backing away in terror.  
“I put it in there earlier.”  
“But for Christ’s sake why!?”  
“Because I’m high as a kite!” Johnny screamed.  
“Stop!” Willie shouted at his homicidally deranged flatmate. “I don’t want you to kill me, you clueless berk.”  
“Oh.” Johnny said, a bit put out and dropping the weapon to the floor. “Dreadfully sorry about that.”  
“It’s okay. You’re not in your right mind.” Willie said as they returned to the couch. “I know what it’s like to be high. Remember that time I did a line off Julie Christie’s tits?”  
“That wasn’t Julie Christie.” Johnny said. “It was a picture of her in a girly mag you found in the woods.”  
“Oh now you’re lucid you great twit.” Willie said under his breath, rolling his eyes.  
“What was that?” Johnny said.  
“I said I was quite the coke fiend back in those days.” Willie chuckled. “But then again, who wasn’t?”  
“That wasn’t cocaine I gave you.” Johnny told him.  
“It wasn’t?” Willie said with concern.  
“No, it was mostly drain cleaner and baby laxative.” Johnny said. “I thought you would have caught on when you were shitting yourself inside out that night.”  
“Yes, and to make matters worse my sinuses had never been clearer thanks to that drain cleaner.” Willie lamented. “I say you owe me an apology.”  
“I still say you owe the toilet an apology.” Johnny retorted.  
“I don’t see why.” Willie said. “I never made it all the way to the loo.”  
“Trust me, I remember.” Johnny said, eyes widening with disgust. “You thought we could just get rid of the smell by lighting a candle.”  
“Yes, and I distinctly remember it was your idea to just burn down the whole staircase.” Willie threw back.  
“Yeah well it got rid of the mess and we made off like bandits once the insurance paid out.” Johnny defended himself.  
“But now we can’t get to the second floor anymore.” Willie pointed out.  
“What do you mean?” Johnny said. “Of course we can. You just have to take the fire escape.”  
“But what if it’s raining?” Willie countered. “I don’t want to get wet.”  
“Then stay off the second floor.” Johnny said. “You know full well we haven’t got a roof!”  
“Bloody carpet bombing.” Willie grumbled.  
“It wouldn’t have been so bad, but they waited a full week after peace broke out to make the attack.” Johnny said.  
“And we were the only place hit.” Willie added.  
“I think we were the only place targeted.” Johnny said. “They only had the one bomb.”  
“Not much of a carpet bombing, is it then?” Willie said.  
“Of course it was.” Johnny argued. “Afterwards, we had to throw the carpet out because you shat yourself on it, pansy.”  
“I was not scared. I just had gastric distress.” Willie protested. “I told you that milk had gone sour.”  
“I remain unconvinced.” Johnny said.  
“What do you mean unconvinced!?” Willie snapped. “The milk was crunchier than the sodding cereal!”   
“Well how was I to know the refrigerator came unplugged?” Johnny said.  
“Because the wall with the plug in it collapsed!” Willie snapped.  
“I do pity that family of rats who lost their home that day.” Johnny said somberly. “At least now we know they weren’t a ghost.”  
“There really isn’t much left of this flat, is there?” Willie said.  
“We’ve lost it all but the kitchen sink.” Johnny nodded.  
“No, we lost the kitchen sink last week when the garbage disposal exploded.” Willie said.  
“It’s a figure of speech.” Johnny said.  
“What’s a figure of speech?” Willie asked.  
“It’s a phrase used to intend some idea other than its literal meaning.” Johnny said.  
“No I meant- oh nevermind.” Willie said. “Have you seen today’s paper?”  
“Yes, I believe it’s on the back of the toilet where you left it.” Johnny answered.  
“Did you read it?”  
“What’s to read? Kenmore appliances, 3.5 liters per flush?”  
“Well the Ausnians are looking to nuke us, but we’ve promised retaliation, and now Uptonschtein is posturing against Ausnia as well.”  
“Hang on a moment.” Johnny said. “When did Uptonschtein get the bomb?”  
“Um, before Berkistan but after the Little Sisters of the Poor.” Willie said.  
“Cor, pretty soon they’ll just be giving them away.” Johnny remarked.  
“Yes, many countries are certainly threatening to.” Willie nodded. “Do you think it’s true what they say?”  
“Doubtful.” Johnny said. “If it were we’d both be blind by now.”  
“No not that!” Willie snapped. “They say we’re thirty seconds to nuclear midnight.”  
“Oh yeah, probably.” Johnny said nonchalantly. “I’d wager by the time you’re my age we’ll both be dead by a fortnight.”  
“But Johnny, you’re only three weeks older than me.” Willie pointed out.  
“Cor, is it a whole three!?” Johnny said. “Just you wait matey. We’ll all be cinder by Sunday, and the Ausnians’ll be the ones to do it.”  
“No, the Ausnians are the devil we know.” Willie said. “It’ll probably be some post stamp sized country no one’s ever heard of who kills us all by accident.”  
“That sounds like a bet!” Johnny said. “Five quid says we’re dead by Sunday and the Ausnians do it.”  
“You’re on, buster!” Willie said, enthusiastically shaking Johnny’s hand.  
Just at that moment, the kettle on the stove began to whistle.  
“Ah, that’ll be the kettle then.” Willie noted.  
“Yes, I think it is.” Johnny nodded.  
“One of us should probably take it off the stove.” Willie said.  
“Yes, that’s sounds like a good idea.” Johnny said.  
“Would you like to go take care of it then?” Willie said leaning in.  
“Not particularly.” Johnny shrugged.  
“Very well.” Willie huffed. “Go pour the tea or I’ll bite your ear off.”  
“Oh fine.” Johnny said. “You need only have asked.” He wandered into the kitchen, lifted the kettle and began to pour the water into the teapot. That’s when he noticed something glinting on the floor in the spot where the fridge used to be. “Willie, look at this!” Johnny called out.  
“I’m not falling for that one again, mister.” Willie said. “We both know it’s just your knob with a smiley face drawn on it.”  
“No, it actually isn’t this time.” Johnny asserted, scooping up a sizable dust bunny and picking it apart.  
“No. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a dozen or more times, shame on me.”  
“Willie, it’s a contact lens!” Johnny exclaimed.   
“But neither of us wear contacts.” Willie pointed out.  
“I know. It must be from the previous tenant.” Johnny said. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”  
“I didn’t know you were capable of thinking.” Willie snorted.  
“If contacts make rubbish vision normal, then it should make our normal vision super!” Johnny explained.  
“Johnny, that’s brilliant!” Willie cheered. “People are always telling us how much we need supervision!”  
“I’m going to give it a try!” Johnny spoke excitedly. He spat on the dirty lens, then wiped it off on his equally dirty shirt. He blew on it quickly, then jammed it into his eye.   
“Well?” Willie asked expectantly.  
“It’s a dud.” Johnny said with disappointment.  
“Damn.” Willie said dejectedly. “Well, let me give it a try though.” Johnny shrugged, peeled the contact off of his eye, and handed it to Willie who stuck on his own.  
“Oh man!” He exclaimed, squinting his other shut.  
“What? What is it!?” Johnny asked with excitement.   
“I’ve got… x-ray vision!” Willie exclaimed. “I’m amazing!”  
“Really!?” Johnny asked. “Cor, let me have another go with it!”  
“What? No!” Willie snapped, afraid to let Johnny discover his lie. “Get your own!”  
“It is my own!” Johnny shouted. “I found it, finders keepers!”  
“Not anymore!” Willie said. “The power is mine, all mine!”  
“Give it to me or I’ll gouge your eye out along with it!” Johnny shouted, and he backed up his threat by snatching a spoon from the sink. “Don’t try me mate; I know kung fu.”  
“Well I know _dim sum_.” Willie replied.  
“Well I know Slovenian!” Johnny said.  
“Well I know you don’t!” Willie said.  
“Okay, true.” Johnny said. “But I do know the sound of one hand clapping.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah!” Johnny said, then punched Willie in the jaw with a powerful right hook.  
“What the Hell!?” Willie said, rubbing his sore cheek. “That wasn’t the sound of one hand clapping!”  
“You’re right.” Johnny said, then slapped Willie this time with an open hand. “That’s better!” He cocked his arm back for another swing, but Willie shouted out at him first.  
“Freeze!” Willie said. “Or I’ll melt your brain with my newly acquired laser vision!”  
“The mushrooms beat you to it!” Johnny shouted and cocked his arm back again.  
“Then I’ll fry your knackers!” Willie said. Johnny froze in place. “Good. Now drop the spoon.” Willie said, and again Johnny complied. They both let out a small sigh and relaxed a little. Then Willie kicked Johnny in the groin, ran across the room, and hurled himself out the window. As Johnny recovered, Willie ran up the fire escape and began barricading himself in his bedroom.  
“Okay, I’ll need to think of an incredibly cunning and unbeatable plan to get that lens back.” Johnny said to himself. “Got it. WILLIE, GET DOWN HERE, YOU PONCE!” He shouted up through the ceiling.  
“Sod off!” Came Willie’s reply.  
“Well that’s that plan knackered then.” Johnny spoke to himself again. “Oh well. Willie!”  
“What!?”  
“Have a nice night!”  
“Have a nice night Johnny!” Willie shouted back.  
“Well that’s that.” Johnny said. “Now, may as well see what’s on the fridge.” He said and planted himself back down on the couch for the night.


	2. Tuesday

Johnny woke on the couch, rose, and stretched with a long yawn. Just then, Willie came in, covering one eye with a cupped hand.  
“Good morning twat.” Willie said.  
“Good morning Willie.” Johnny replied.  
“Johnny, I need a patch.” Willie announced. Johnny casually ripped a piece of gaffer tape off one of the sofa cushions and tossed the limp bit of material at his flatmate.  
“There you go mate.” Johnny said merrily.  
“No you stupid git, an eyepatch!” Willie hissed.  
“Why?” Johnny said, perplexed.  
“Why do you think!? Because I’m blind in one eye!”  
“What, did you stop halfway through?” Johnny joked.  
“Very funny.” Willie said sarcastically. He removed his hand, revealing that his entire eye had become quite red and inflamed. “Just run to the chemist’s and pick up an eyepatch, okay?” Johnny sniggered. “And what’s so funny?” Willie huffed.  
“Oh, nothing.” Johnny said. “I was just imagining you as a pirate, you know, with the eyepatch.”  
“Hmmmm…” Willie began to imagine it as well. “Yeah, I like it: a bit dangerous, exotic. Kinda sexy, don’t you think? I wonder what my pirate name would be. William the Red! Blackbeard!”  
“Pinkeye.” Johnny snarked. “No wait, Blueballs!”  
“Look, just get down to the chemist’s or I’ll keelhaul you.” Willie threatened.  
“We haven’t got a keel.” Johnny pointed out.  
“Then I’ll feed you to the sharks!” Willie said.  
“We haven’t got any sharks.” Johnny said.  
“Then I’ll nail your balls to the table with a biro!” Willie shouted hotly.  
“I haven’t got any-” Johnny began. “No, that one doesn’t work. Have you got a biro?” He asked instead.  
“No I haven’t actually.” Willie said sheepishly. “May I borrow yours?”  
“Eh, don’t bother mate.” Johnny said, rising to his feet. “I’ll pick one up while I’m out getting the paper.”  
“Oh I do enjoy our morning wager.” Willie smiled.  
“Right-o mate.” Johnny said. “Betting on the casualties is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning!” And with that he departed, leaving Willie alone to prepare their breakfast.  
He approached the fridge, still standing where Johnny had moved it to the day before, and still unplugged as well. He opened the door and surveyed the contents.  
“Okay, what have we got?” He muttered to himself. “Let’s see, there’s bluish mould, greenish mould, and some sprouts. Gross.” He shuddered. “Sprouts, disgusting!”He took out the carton of milk, gave it a sniff, and nearly vomited from the stench. He steadied himself and put the container back for later. “Oh, this cheese should do nicely! I’ll just need to rustle up some crackers and give it a quick shave!” Willie removed the cheese, scraped off most of the largest pieces of fuzzy black mould, and set the table. He was just removing the crackers from the pantry when Johnny returned.   
“Oi, is this some sort of joke?” Johnny said, looking at the spread. “I thought we were going to have eggs.”  
“We are.” Willie replied. “The flies have been all over that cheese. Just eat your portion quickly before they hatch into larvae.”  
“I don’t know why I even let you cook anymore.” Johnny said, shaking his head.  
“Because the last time you gave it a go we had to call the fire department, poison control, and a vicar!” Willie said. “Honestly, I spend the better part of five whole minutes preparing your breakfast and this is the thanks I get?”  
“I’m sorry Willie.” Johnny said. “You really make this place feel like a proper country home.”  
“Why thank you Johnny.” Willie beamed. “It’s nice to be appreciated.”  
“Yeah, well, without you it’d just be a ‘-ry home’.” Johnny remarked.   
“Shut up and eat your sodding breakfast.” Willie snapped. “It’s not like I had much time to prepare anything anyway. You’re back awfully quickly.”  
“Yes well, the brick I chucked through the front window of the chemist’s nailed the shopkeep in the back of the head, so I didn’t have to spend all that time beating him up first.”  
“Ooh, sounds like you killed two birds with one stone.” Willie said with a cheery grin.  
“Yes, and quite probably one chemist.” Johnny added. “Anyway, here’s your patch, and your cut from the heist.” Johnny handed Willie a paper bag.  
“Oh God, there’s teeth in here!” Willie shouted with appalled fervor as he peered in. He took a second look. “Ooh, and they’re gold.” He said much more amicably. “Did you prise these out the chemist’s mouth Johnny?”  
“No, they just sort of flew out when the brick hit him.” Johnny explained. “Now, place your wager for the casualties.”  
“Hmmm, let’s see.” Willie hummed. “I’ll put a molar twenty five thousand.”  
“I’ll see your molar and raise you one dead chemist’s wristwatch.” Johnny said.  
“I haven’t got a dead chemist’s wristwatch.” Willie said.  
“And neither does the chemist anymore!” Johnny laughed sadistically. “Oh, while I was out I heard a fascinating bit of news. Apparently, the Stolychnians have some sort of ultimate doomsday weapon. If they get nuked, it’ll go off and take the rest of the world with them. People are saying it was designed to be the ultimate deterrent.”  
“Oh my.” Willie said. “Did they just complete it yesterday?”  
“No, they apparently finished work on it three months ago.” Johnny said.  
“Then why are we just learning about it now?” Willie asked.  
“I guess they were trying to keep it under wraps, state secrets and whatnot.” Johnny shrugged.  
“Well it’s not much of a deterrent then, is it!?” Willie huffed. “Let’s just get this patch on before we plunder any more booty.” He said, hastily removing the patch from its box. He winked at Johnny.  
“Hang on, are you winking or blinking?” Johnny asked.  
“Oh, winking.” Willie said, and Johnny punched him square in the jaw.  
“What the bloody Hell was that for!?” Willie shouted.  
“For coming onto me!” Johnny said. “You’re not plundering my booty you poof!”  
“No Johnny, it’s just a bit of pirate patois.” Willie explained contemptuously.  
“Oh you want to do me in the French way, eh!?” Johnny said, and punched Willie twice more.  
“Clueless berk.” Willie muttered. He looked down at the patch in his hand. “You clueless berk!” He shouted. “Johnny this eyepatch doesn’t have any string.”  
“Oh, well it’s one of them fancy new ones.” Johnny said. “You just stick it right to your skin.” Willie stuck the patch to his face with some effort.  
“Well the adhesive doesn’t seem to be very good.” Willie said. “It’s not sticking properly.”  
“No, the adhesive’s fine.” Johnny said. “Your face is just oilier than a Terkistani soil sample.”  
“Well just give me a hand sticking it!” Willie demanded.  
“As you wish Willie!” Johnny said and punched his flatmate in the eye. For his selfless service Willie rewarded him with a swift kick in the knackers.  
“Oh shit my foot!” Willie exclaimed, hopping up and down on one foot and clutching the other. “What the Hell are you concealing in those trousers!?”  
“I call him Little John.” Johnny grinned. “Think Robin Hood.” He winked.  
“Very clever.” Willie said, rolling his eyes. “What else?”  
“Just the lads and my brass knob.”  
“Your what?” Willie said, perplexed. Johnny responded by pulling a door knob out of his pocket.  
“It fell off my bedroom door yesterday.” Johnny said.  
“Oh no, now you’ll have to find something else to loop your belt over.” Willie jibed.  
“What?” Johnny said.  
“Oh don’t try to deny it.” Willie waved his hand and turned up his nose. “Everyone knows all about your sexual proclivities and just how much you enjoy being hung.”  
“Yeah, the birds seem to enjoy it too!” Johnny said with a broad smile. “I can barely find rubbers that fit.”  
“Hang on, that gives me a great idea!” Willie exclaimed.  
“You’re going to hang yourself?” Johnny said. “Happy day, I’ll fetch a rope!”  
“Johnny no!” Willie snapped. “Just hand me the paper.”  
“Oh, no need to leave a note mate. You can just tell me your final words.” Johnny said. “Though I can already guess they’re going to be-” And he began to make strangled gagging noises. “Speaking of, if you should happen to not die instantly after I kick the chair out from under you, would you rather I cut you down and try again or just swing on your ankles to speed it along?”  
“The newspaper you daft berk!” Willie shouted. He snatched the paper from Johnny and folded it into a simple pirate hat.  
“How do I look?” He asked excitedly, mimicking a hook hand by curling his index finger.  
“Like a complete jackass.” Johnny said honestly.  
“No I mean as a pirate.” Willie said.  
“Oh.” Johnny paused. “Like a complete jackass.”  
“Well some first mate you are.” Willie scoffed.  
“I’m not your first mate; I’m your flatmate.” Johnny said.  
“First, flat, what’s the difference?” Willie shrugged.  
“Well for one, you have a flat.” Johnny said. “I’m not sure you’ve ever had a ‘first’.”  
“What are you insinuating!?” Willie snapped, taken quite aback.  
“That you’re a virgin you stonking great tit!” Johnny shouted.  
“Well at least my name isn’t slang for condom.” Willie said.  
“No, it’s slang for your todger!” Johnny said. “And it’s diminutive!” Willie suddenly took a large step back and clasped his hands over his crotch.  
“What have you heard!?” He gasped. “Oh you mean the name!” He breathed a sigh of relief.  
“Aye aye Captain Jackass.”  
“Johnny please, it’s called making your own entertainment.”  
“You do you mate, actually, you do. Without you the whole hand cream industry might collapse.” Johnny said, aside. “Me on the other hand, I’m going to get drunk and watch the telly.”  
“But there’s nothing on.”  
“I know.” Johnny said. “That’s why I’m going to get drunk first. I’m making my own entertainment.”  
“You know there’s more to life Johnny than drinking and television.”  
“Not until I remember where I left my dirty magazines.”  
“Now really.” Willie said condescendingly. “Show a little blitz spirit.”  
“Okay.” Johnny replied. “Bring me my spirits and I’ll get blitzed.”  
“My point is, these days we could go at any time.” Willie explained. “That’s why I live in the moment! Carpe diem, sieze the day! That’s my personal motto.” He said theatrically.  
“I thought your personal motto was carpe todger.” Johnny snarked and received a wicked glare from Willie. “Five times a diem.” He added. Willie sighed.  
“What are we doing Johnny?” He asked in earnestness.  
“Surviving the war?” Johnny offered in consolation.  
“Yes but there’s surviving and then there’s living, really living.” Willie said passionately. “Do you know what’s really living Johnny?”  
“Well not the chemist, that’s for bloody certain.” Johnny said.  
“Glossing over the fact that you committed first degree murder-” Willie began.  
“Bup-up-up-up-up!” Johnny interrupted. “Third degree.”  
“You threw a brick at his head! That’s second degree at best!” Willie argued.  
“I know; I’m leaving room to haggle.” Johnny whispered.  
“That’s not how it works.” Willie said.  
“And when did you become a legal expert?” Johnny snorted.  
“I just am.” Willie said. “ _Cogito ergo sum._ ”  
“Beg your pardon?” Johnny said.  
“You know, ‘I think, therefore I am.’ _Je pense, donc je suis._ ” Willie recited.  
“ _Je pense tu ‘suis’ un_ ponce.” Johnny replied.  
“Oh nevermind.” Willie rolled his eyes. “What were we talking about?”  
“Getting blitzed on spirits.”  
“Oh right.” Willie spoke dramatically. “Remember to grow old without growing bitter. Give up nothing to reluctance. Die a happy man!”  
“Let me make sure I got all that.” Johnny said. “Grow old. Give up. Die. Yes?”  
“That’s the gist of it I suppose.” Willie said. “Throw caution to the wind! Laugh in the face of danger! Live every day like it might be your last.”  
“Keep that up and you’ll be right fairly soon.” Johnny remarked.  
“Oh? And what’s your personal philosophy?” Willie said contemptuously.  
“Keep your head down, watch the telly, and bring me a beer.” Johnny held his empty hand out in front of Willie.  
“Ugh.” Willie sighed, and went to the fridge. “Some days I don’t know why I stay with you.”  
“Which days?” Johnny asked.  
“All of them really.”  
“Thought so.” Johnny nodded. “It’s because we’ve got one thing in common.”  
“And what’s that?”  
“We both live with the only other person in the whole bloody country with no other options.” Johnny rolled his eyes.  
“And who would that be?” Willie asked, completely oblivious.  
“Look in a mirror Willie.” Johnny groaned. Willie gasped in terror.  
“Is he standing right behind me?” He squeaked. Johnny rolled his eyes.  
“Let’s just see what the scores are.” Johnny sighed.  
“Oh, let’s see.” Willie said, removing his hat and turning to the sports page. “Sawworth Waterrow, one-nill; Leicestershire Hammerhand, two-one; Wellham Goforth, three-nill; Wotinburgh Dunshire, one all; Sumton Tywnyll, two-nill; and a partial score: seven. Wait that’s has to be a mistake.” Willie said, squinting at the paper. “Seven is far too large.”  
“I don’t care about the games Willie!” Johnny said. “What are the scores?”  
“Oh right right, the scores.” Willie repeated. “Let’s see who had a launch yesterday.” He turned the page as Johnny pulled out a pocket calculator.  
“Ready when you are.” Johnny announced.  
“Uptonschtein, CATO, five thousand dead. Ausnia, CATO, fifteen thousand dead. Scandiwegia, CATO, six thousand dead. Berkistan, Perkistan, and Terkistan, three CATOs, twenty five hundred each, and last but not least, Stolychnia hedging their bets with a double launch...double CATO, fifty thousand dead.”  
“Yes!” Johnny cheered as he entered the final number. “I beat the spread!”  
“Well that’s just wonderful for you, but I’m out thirty quid!” Willie said angrily.  
“I tried to warn you against low-balling these things.” Johnny said. “Now, are you going to make a proper breakfast, or am I going to have to resort to cannibalism?”  
“Well I can’t cook anything; we’re out of groceries!” Willie explained with exasperation.  
“Fine.” Johnny said. “Pass me the gin and my pack of fags.”  
“Johnny, you can’t subsist entirely on alcohol and cigarettes.” Willie said.  
“Don’t forget the meths.” Johnny reminded him.  
“How is it?” Willie asked, curious.  
“Eeeh, better than you’d expect, but worse than you’d hope.”  
“Well you polished off the last of that last week.”  
“In that case, I think it’s time to buy some real fucking food.” Johnny said. “Looks like today’s shopping day.”  
“Apparently so.” Willie said. “I’ll loot the grocer’s and the post office.”  
“What about the police?” Johnny asked.  
“You’re right.” Willie said. “They’ll have been through already and nicked all the good stuff. Oh well. You just swing by the bank and pick up a few clean loads from the laundrette.”  
“Do we have anything at the laundrette?” Johnny asked quizzically.  
“No, but just find a few dryers that are nearly done and pull everything out early.”  
“Gotcha.” Johnny said. “I may be a bit longer. I’ve got to stop by the bookie’s to pick up my winnings. I’ve got a red hot tip that the Ausnians are going to attempt a launch tonight but let’s just say not everything’s going to go according to plan.” Johnny winked.  
“Ooh, and where did you get that juicy tidbit?” Willie said, sidling up to his flatmate.  
“Just a bit of natural male enhancement and a racy snapshot of Julie Christie.” Johnny said.  
“I meant your tip about Ausnia.” Willie clarified.  
“Oh, Secret Intelligence.” Johnny boasted.  
“You’ve got a contact in Secret Intelligence!?” Willie exclaimed.  
“What? No.” Johnny said. “They’ve just got more leaks than a wicker submarine.”  
“Ah, well, here’s a fiver. Put it on an Ausnian CATO tomorrow.” Willie said, handing Johnny a note.  
“Right-o mate.” Johnny said merrily.   
The two then headed out and didn’t return until late in the afternoon. Johnny walked in dragging a large plastic bag of other people’s clothing, and Willie carried two great armloads of fresh produce.  
“How about I get dinner started and you tell me how your errands went?” Willie proposed.  
“Oh, don’t get me started!” Johnny exclaimed. “The bank was a nightmare and the laundrette was so packed full of looters you could barely get in the door!”  
“I don’t envy you Johnny.” Willie said. “It was the same story at the grocer’s. I doubt I would have been able to get in at all had a group of blokes in a truck not started stealing the bricks out of the back wall!”  
“Would you believe I ran into Father O’Leary at the Jessops after seeing the bookie?” Johnny asked.  
“You don’t say, really?”  
“Yeah, I tucked my head in and got a good charging start.” Johnny explained. “The bastard was trying to make off with the last four televisions.”  
“He must be stronger than he looks.” Willie pondered.  
“He is. He picked me up and threw me into the kitchen display.” Johnny recounted. “Then everyone else who was there looting started mugging me and I barely escaped with my life!”  
“Unbelievable!” Willie commiserated.  
“The nerve of those people!” Johnny said. “Who would have thought that the honest hard-working looters of this proud nation would be so immoral and cut-throat!?”  
“No, I mean I don’t believe that anyone could throw you, you chunky bastard.”  
“You can’t prove that!” Johnny said.  
“Of course I can.” Willie said. “Just bring me a scale.”  
“Oh I won’t deny that I’m a larger gentleman, but you can’t prove I’m a bastard.”  
“What do you mean?” Willie snorted. “You don’t even know who your father is.”  
“Exactly!” Johnny exclaimed. “If I knew who my father was, we could verify whether or not he was married to my mum. Since we don’t know, we can’t prove I was born out of wedlock.”  
“Sure we can.” Willie pointed out. “Was your mum ever married?”  
“I don’t know that either.”  
“What do you mean you don’t know?”  
“I never met her.” Johnny said. “She ran off before I was born.”  
“What the devil? How could she-” Willie started, but quickly gave up. “Did I mention I went down to Suzie the baker’s for a quick roll?”  
“I’ll bet you did.” Johnny said, lampshading the double entendre.  
“And while I was in I gave those hot buns a squeeze.”  
“I’ll bet you did.”  
“And I eyed the little pastry.”  
“I’ll bet you did.”  
“And I grabbed a big cream filled one.”  
“I’ll bet you did.”  
“And I whipped it out onto the counter.”  
“I’ll bet you did.”  
“She said I could have some for two quid, so I gave it to her.”  
“I’ll bet you did.”  
“And when we were finished with our business she told me to ‘have a nice day’.”  
“And did you show her a swell afternoon?” Johnny leaned in, raising his eyebrows suggestively.  
“You bet I did.” Willie nodded confidently. Johnny paused to think for just a moment.  
“No you didn’t.” He said confidently.  
“You’re right; I panicked.” Willie admitted.  
“You didn’t!” Johnny grinned wide.  
“I shouted ‘don’t tell me what to do’!”  
“You didn’t!”  
“You bet I did!” Willie said. “And then I punched her in the face and ran.”  
“You didn’t!”  
“You bet I did.” Willie said.   
After a short dinner of burnt ceviche and stygian tea, the duo returned the refrigerator and television set to their correct locations and settled down on the couch. Johnny, beer in hand, took the remote and pressed the power button, but nothing happened.  
“Hmm, batteries must be dead.” Johnny noted.  
“Well, I suppose we’ll have to find some other way to entertain ourselves then.” Willie said.  
“Like what?” Johnny asked.  
“How about a game of chess?” Willie suggested.  
“We lost all the pieces.” Johnny reminded him.  
“How about cribbage then?” Willie offered.  
“We lost the board.” Johnny said.  
“Gin rummy?”  
“And the cards.”  
“Well why don’t we just use the board from chess, the pieces from cribbage, and the nudey deck of cards I keep in my bedside drawer?” Willie proposed.  
“Now you’ve gone completely mad.” Johnny said.  
“Laugh all you want but remember they laughed at the bloke who invented the lightbulb too.” Willie said haughtily.  
“No they didn’t!” Johnny said. “They said ‘oh thank Christ, we can finally stop stumbling around in the dark and bashing our shins on the coffee table!’”  
“Okay. How about spin the bottle?” Willie suggested.  
“How about I take the bottle and drink ‘til the room spins around it?” Johnny offered.  
“Well what would I do while you’re doing that?” Willie asked.  
“I don’t give a shit about you.” Johnny snorted. “Sit and spin.”  
“What about ‘would you rather’?” Willie said.  
“I’d rather not.” Johnny said.  
“Pin the tail on the donkey?”   
“We don’t have a donkey.”  
“We’ve got a table, that’s like a donkey.” Willie said. “They’ve both got four legs.”  
“We haven’t got a tail though.” Johnny added.  
“How about a sausage?” Willie suggested.  
“No thanks, I’m not yet sure I’ll survive the fish.”  
“I meant in place of a tail.” Willie said.  
“You want to play ‘put a sausage on the table’?” Johnny asked quizzically. “Well that’s just breakfast then, isn’t it? Not much of a game.”  
“Well how do you suggest we play with my sausage?” Willie huffed.  
“However you usually do it, but leave me out of it!” Johnny said.  
“Ugh! Why must you always assume I’m talking about self-gratification!?” Willie asked indignantly.  
“Because you’re the one who suggested we ‘entertain ourselves’!” Johnny vented.  
“We could make up our own game.” Willie suggested.  
“Oh, I’ve got an idea!” Johnny exclaimed. “It’s a drinking game.”  
“I should have guessed.” Willie groaned. “What are the rules?”  
“I take a drink every time I feel the crippling need to numb myself from reality.” Johnny said.  
“And what do I do?” Willie asked.  
“Whatever you want mate, so long as you do it far away from me.” Johnny said.  
“Well I can’t get too far away; it’s a small flat.” Willie said.  
“Woops, I just thought about the fact that I have to share a flat with you. Time for a drink!” Johnny said and took a swig.  
“Hey, hey, you want to hear a great joke?” Willie asked.   
“I’m really not in the mood for your life story at the moment.” Johnny said flatly.  
“Oh haha, very clever.” Willie rolled his eyes. “I suppose you fancy yourself a modern Aristophanes.”  
“No.” Johnny replied. “I’ve got no idea who that is.”  
“Oh, aren’t you just a regular comedian then?” Willie sneered sardonically.  
“Not until I’ve had my daily fiber.” Johnny quipped.  
“Oh just shut up!” Willie snapped. “What do you call a Stolychnian with three testicles?” He asked and waited for a response. “Well, aren’t you going to answer?”  
“You told me to shut up.” Johnny said.  
“Shut up and answer!” Willie said.  
“What, in that order?”  
“Just answer the stupid question!”  
“Okay.” Johnny sighed. “Oleg.”  
“Wrong!” Willie replied gleefully. “The answer is Hoodyanika Bolakov!”  
“It isn’t Oleg?” Johnny asked.  
“No it isn’t Oleg.” Willie told him.  
“Are you sure?” Johnny asked.  
“Of course I’m sure.” Willie said. “I’m always right about everything.”  
“But I’m almost positive it’s Oleg.”   
“Well you’re wrong then, okay?”  
“I might be wrong, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.” Johnny said. “I’ve got five quid says that it’s Oleg.”  
“Why do you keep insisting that the answer is Oleg?” Willie asked, puzzled.  
“Because the only Stolychnian I know with three testicles is named Oleg, you sad bastard!” Johnny fumed.  
“Really? You know a Stolychnian with three testicles?” Willie asked.  
“Well, actually he’s only got the pair, but he’s the closest thing I know to a Stolychnian with three.” Johnny admitted.  
“So basically you just know a Stolychnian?” Willie surmised.  
“Well, he’s not from Stolychnia exactly.” Johnny continued. “Just one of those tiny shithouse countries to the left of it.”  
“So basically you just know a person, and he’s not Stolychnian and doesn’t have three testicles?” Willie said.  
“Correct.” Johnny nodded. “And also his name isn’t Oleg.”  
“Then why were insisting that the answer is Oleg!?” Willie screamed, yanking his hair. “He’s not from Stolychnia, doesn’t have three bollocks, and isn’t even named Oleg!”  
“Exactly!” Johnny screamed back. “You’re either named Oleg or you’re not, and you’ve either got three balls or you haven’t. If he hasn’t got three balls and isn’t named Oleg, then Oleg must have three balls! It’s basic logic!”  
“Well you can take your logic and go to bed!”  
“No I can’t.” Johnny said.  
“And why not!?”  
“I sleep on the couch!” Johnny fumed. “I’ve got no intent of sleeping with my head in your lap, so you can jolly well sod off.”  
“But why?” Willie asked. “You’ve got a bedroom of your own.”  
“But I haven’t got a bed!” Johnny exclaimed. “Not since the last one burned down!”  
“And whose fault is that?” Willie pressed. “You know you’re not supposed to smoke in bed.”  
“I had to smoke! I was on fire!” Johnny exclaimed.  
“Yes, and you burnt with a blue flame, you stinking sot.” Willie added.  
“That wasn’t the booze.” Johnny clarified. “It was the deep heat I’d slathered myself in to keep warm.”  
“Johnny, your level of stupidity never fails to surprise me.” Willie sighed.  
“Give me some credit.” Johnny said. “I wasn’t cold anymore.” Willie stretched and yawned.  
“Well I’m completely knackered.” He announced. Johnny walked to the kitchen and returned with a steaming mug.  
“Here, drink this.” Johnny handed it to him.  
“What is it?” Willie asked, eyeing the brown liquid suspiciously.  
“Petrol station coffee.” Johnny told him.  
“Oh so not real coffee.” Willie chuckled at his own joke and took a big gulp of the hot beverage.  
“No, but it’s got real petrol in it!” Johnny said merrily. Willie sprayed a mouthful of the foul concoction across the room. “Yeah, nothing else wakes you up quite like it.”  
“Except maybe a nine iron to the bollocks!” Willie exclaimed and began breathing heavily. “Oh God, oh God! I think I’m going blind!”  
“So it is true what they say!” Johnny exclaimed with the excitement of discovery.  
“Quick, what’s the remedy for petrol poisoning!?” Willie choked out.  
“I think I have to pee on you.” Johnny said.  
“That’s jellyfish.” Willie told him.  
“Oh, we haven’t got any jellyfish to pee on you.” Johnny said. “Ah well, I’ll just bung a tin of sardines and the rest of the marmalade in the blender and then piss in that.”  
“Johnny shut up and call poison control!” Willie screamed.  
“I don’t know the number.” Johnny said.  
“Bring me the phone!” Willie told him. Johnny charged across the room to the telephone, one of the old kinds with the dial, and carried the entire assembly back over to Willie. Well, he tried, but the cord running to the wall wasn’t long enough, stopping him short. He weighed his options, then gave the whole set a good yank, ripping the wiring out, and brought the now useless device to his gasping flatmate. Willie looked at him with boiling contempt. He scooped up the handset and swung it as hard as he could into Johnny’s groin.   
“Eeeeee!” Johnny wheezed in pain. “I think I’m going to throw up.” He whispered.  
“Well you’re not alone there.” Willie told him, and in unison they added another large design to their living room carpet. The once white rug had taken on quite a stunning floral pattern over the years, and now the garden grew once more.  
“Well, I feel better.” Willie said at last after catching his breath.  
“I don’t.” Johnny hissed, still clutching his privates.  
“I know; that’s why I feel better!” Willie said merrily. Johnny slowly turned to look at his abhorrent flatmate.   
“Hey Willie.”  
“Yes?” And Johnny smeared Willie’s nose across his left cheek.  
“You want to know a little secret Willie?” Johnny asked.  
“I’m all ears.” Willie said. “Cause I haven’t got much of a nose left.”  
“There wasn’t any petrol in that coffee.” Johnny grinned.   
“There wasn’t!?” Willie gasped.  
“No, it was a joke.” Johnny chuckled.  
“Well it wasn’t a very funny joke, mister!” Willie huffed.  
“I disagree.” Johnny said. “I thought it was fucking hysterical!”  
“Oh yes, I’d forgotten what a laugh it is to trick people into thinking they’ve drunk petrol.” Willie ranted sarcastically.  
“No no, not that.” Johnny shook his head. “That’s not the funny part.”  
“Well what is then?” Willie huffed.  
“I told you, there wasn’t any petrol in it.” Johnny explained. “It was kero!” Johnny burst out laughing as Willie vomited onto the rug once more. Once Willie had caught his breath, he retaliated with a quick punch to Johnny’s stomach. As his flatmate doubled over, he made a sanguine observation.  
“Cor blimey, there’s a lot of blood in that puddle.” He said. “Are you feeling healthy?”  
“Of course!” Willie said. “It’s perfectly healthy for a young man to feel-”  
“Are you ill!?” Johnny interrupted to spare himself the mental image. “How do you feel?”  
“About a pint low, actually.” Willie announced, rubbing his temples.  
“Well, better put a pint back.” Johnny said, approaching the fridge and removing two stouts.  
“Johnny, I don’t think it’s a good idea to mix coffee and alcohol.” Willie pointed out.  
“I doubt you’ve got any coffee left in ya mate.” Johnny quipped.  
“Nor is it a good idea to mix coffee and petrol.” Willie said.  
“And I didn’t.” Johnny said.  
“Oh right, coffee and kero.” Willie rolled his eyes.  
“I was trying to make an Irish coffee but we were out of rocket fuel.” Johnny explained.  
“Where the bloody Hell did you get rocket fuel!?” Willie asked.  
“...the fridge.” Johnny said, surprised it wasn’t obvious. “It’s best to drink it chilled.”  
“But where was it before that?” Willie groaned and rolled his eyes.  
“....a rocket.” Johnny said. “I siphoned it off a Galahad missile last week. That’s probably why our launch failed, come to think of it. Mind you, I doubt the Ausnians are complaining. They might even award me another medal of heroism.”  
“Why is it that every answer of yours just raises more questions?” Willie asked rhetorically.  
“Well I _did_ grow up on a farm.” Johnny answered, not quite understanding rhetoric.  
“How does that-” Willie shook his head. “Nevermind. I’d like to save the few remaining shreds of sanity I have left.” And he turned and went off to bed. “Good night, Johnny. Have a nice day.”  
“Have a nice day Willie.” Johnny said, and finished his pint in one gulp.

**Author's Note:**

> The entirety of this work is available for kindle/ebooks at Amazon. To comply with AO3 guidelines, I cannot provide a link to the page here, but I can direct you to my Twitter, @purpleskull14. The link to my Amazon page is available there. Or Just Google my name, since it's the first result.


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